Flight

Nope, not the natural reflex that some chose to adopt when sticky situation arises. (i.e. hide/ sweep under the carpet/run away from resolving the situation.. you get the idea.)

Somehow, ever since failing to meet that “to make it or break it within the stipulated deadline of 6 months” posed to me some two years ago… [obviously I DIDN'T, hence I took flight last year after it became unbearable to hang on anymore.. ], it occurred to me that that kairos moment has passed and yup, I did not seize the moment.. and missed it. And perhaps, once gone.. always gone.. put on the mode of aiya, just take things as they come.. Like in the chorus of the song Que Sera, Sera ..

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Can’t say it has been fruitful since migrating to another cg, but at least, i’ve snapped out of the fugitive mode which I was in the first 3 quarters of 2008. I guessed I was too used in doing a lot of things in the past.. yet quantity does not always equates to quality. So having to do nothing suddenly paralysed me. And I began entertaining the negative thoughts of “how those peeps see me” - (think I sounded like a pyscho case now..) hence, refusing to rest.. as such, began trying to be contented with being a mere participant, and offering ad-hoc help in things that are NOT out of my comfort zone to me. Surface-wise, I seemed to be alright, sigh, deep down, it doesn’t gel with what I felt I have to do.. I seriously don’t want to remain mediocre and be contented with the ordinary.

However, as much as i know what I oughta do, I didn't . Then this verse came to mind : Heb 4:16 ( a verse that the bs teacher - think was pastor bobby "beseeched" us to memorise - think was the old version of “Going on to Perfection”? ) Perhaps, I was afraid of  the reproach, or perhaps to hear things that my minute human brain that could not contain and perceive.. or the fear to meet up to His plans (again) overcame the desire to draw near.. Went through the motions of being a “good accountable” member in this period - attended cg, helped out when cgl asked to, encouraged others, served in choir, attended practice etc... . BUT didn’t dare to go into the HOH. Was loitering in the outer courts when I know that I oughta go behind the veil. Sigh - perils of knowing in the head and not doing it.

Yet, His ways are always higher than my ways. Since I refused/ dared not to commune with Him proper, during cg on Thurs, what Steven prayed for me was indeed the word in season.. cUz I’ve resigned to the fact that I’ve missed that kairos time and hence, finito with what plans/ desires I have. So I thought that God has given up on me and moved on.. Single-mindedly, i decided to “downgrade” my thinking too and yup to be in sync with the “que sera, sera” attitude. I have lost faith in fact that God still believe in the one who failed countless times.. yup, my disbelief inspite of  His belief. *awww * *loved*

Didn’t dawn much on it (but felt encouraged by the touch of God). Attended both Service 2 & 4 over the weekend.. It was awesome. Not because Pastor Phil was my next fave pastor after Pst Kong  (And I still want to go to SCA and i know it will come to pass… ) The Word that Pst Phil shared over the weekend just reinforced what was spoken to me during cg.( Thought it was different message for different services, but was glad I went both.. :) i missed expo.. and I got the chance to see Sophie & ming.. sophie is sooo cute!!!)

And simply love God’s very tangible presence in service 4 which literally left me trembling even after the last praise song. And like truly, you only discover your purpose in the presence of God.  And I was that silly to entertain the lower-level thinking and actually thought of  settling for less… And nope, He’s not done with me yet.

*Sigh, to think I oughta be @ the orientation today should I have greater faith (or perhaps, already graduated years ago...)* But then again, His timing will be the best timing..

Time for flight!