@ Mahaneh

ya.. I know this was for me.. strangely, i was reminded of the story of Samson before the weekend sermon..- on a different aspect - how he lost his strength.. Yet a different aspect of Samson's life came to light this afternoon... and I was reminded again how I was circling and circling about.. and yes.. going nowhere in particular..

And as Pastor Tan was preaching.. my heart tugged once more.. and to think i was just telling Kelly yesterday my response to going sot was "next year" and the next year never came.. Truly not this year.. but definitely within the next 3 years..

When Pastor gave the word of prophesy .. it was like.. indeed God sees and God is real!
indeed the calling is irrevocable.. BUT the decision between "Zorah" or "Eshtaol" lies with me..

Ambivalence - best state to describe princess.. The voice that says "bash through".. and the voice that says "run away... it doesn't make a difference.." The faith level that builds up on Sat just came crashing down when i face the place I fell.. And the voices that expresses care seemed faded and "sincere". If you do.. will you do nothing about it just because the subject in question seemed shut? Question.. who in the right frame of mind will go around telling the whole wide world that things are not going fine.. And if that person matters to you (and really do) you will still try to reach out no matter what right? And by not doing anything and leaving you alone is "i care"? You say I shut you out but I felt being shut out of your life instead. You vent your frustration at me.. when you were void of existence in my life in the past few months.. I'm tired.. is this a breakdown in the communication chain?

Why is it always my fault? Why does the responsibility to second guess your intention lies with me? Have you ever put yourself in my shoes? And I did not send you weird sms-es. I guessed you failed to understand the situation I'm in, hence failure to decipher the underlying meaning. and I thought you know.

I'm really tired.

I'm just flesh and blood..

And the strange thing was that i was just listening to the old sermon audio CDs that I bought cheapcheap during the Taiwan Emerge in 06 on Daily Encounters with God. And I was just behaving like what Pastor Kong was describing.. the beautiful heart was encrusted in a glass box.. (except that the glass box is not preventing God from touching me.. but rather is His creation..) To break or not to break.. ?


I chose Eshtaol.