Just so happened that I'd decided to backup my blogger (the old & present) into wordpress. And I read some of the older posts that I'd written way back in 2004 (while trying to tag & categorise the posts).
I saw the child like faith, the abundance love for His people.. the attitude of serving.. the true servant heart which has sort of eroded when more is required, and the more I learnt (i.e. complacent). The powerplant had been running on self-generator instead of the Megawatt generator with unlimited energy..
I realised what I'd lost. And, it has really grieved the Holy Spirit. And many a times, I'd blatanly ignored all the warning signs and went dash straight ahead.
So many opportunities I'd missed out. All because of doubt. (Went thru' seasonal cycles of valleys, mountain tops. deeper valley.. higher mountain top.. then to the recent pits of the pits... ) And yes, the most recent pitfall was - the main ingredient was left out - God. Repent.. Tried running away. Tried to dissuade that it was over and perhaps all the visions/ dreams/ desires are not from God, but my own wishful thinking... And I was darn rebellious to the extent while everyone was setting their goals in the goal setting card.. I decided NOT to.. cuz was thinking.. what's the point...(really jaded then..)
This seven months of being a fugitive on the run has really worn me out. Yet, strangely this desire that was birth within me 7 years ago didn't depart, it just got stronger. I can run, but I can't hide and definitely unable to deny. Scanning through some of the posts (really can get juvenile at times, i wonder how they could tahan the "act-cute" me then... T_T" but I was younger then too... ) really brought to mind of the purity of intentions of doing everything... Wa. since when the silly thing called pride crept in? T_T"
Matter of fact, I can't deny what He has purposed in my heart to do.. And I can finally see light again. And all this was before cellgroup meeting today.. And needless to say, it was a powerful time today. My long time prayer request came to pass. I like what Steven said today, cellgroup should be a daily event, not a weekly (Thurs - hibye, Sun - hibye, and some socialising...C'est tout!) event. I.e. really get into lives of others.. God is good!! For the record, there wasn't much preaching today, just a discussion/ brainstorming session.. but it was great! Cuz it was illuminating for me.. :)
I realised that indeed I still have the ability to talk & connect with people (just that whether I want to or not) and my soulish side would love to hide and be shy. Sigh.. if I'm that shy, I wouldn't be voicing all these out right? T_T" Silly decitful front that the devil is luring me into. Current situation reminded me of the time when i was first transferred to W110 (in which I don't know anyone there - save for the eugene & peilong. ) yet, I did establish lotsa friendship there... Now, I just need to do it again.. Making progress.. Haha.. Clicking well with weiling.. :) Fun to encourage her! Think she's going thru' what I'd went through previously... Digress:: so happy.. weiling said I looked slimmer!! (the morning run for the past week is showing! yay!! For another record.. I ran another 4km this morning.. in abt 27min..! Nearing to the goal that e has set.)
I am standing up again.. and ya, I won't deny what He has purposed in my heart. Loving God & loving people fervently.. :)
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